Bulletproof

In the interest of everyone's sanity [since I know that everyone and their mother is dying to know], I am single. Newly single in fact. As you read this, picture me polishing my nails on my blue satin nightie. I know. I should be broken up inside and every breath I take should hurt. I'm sorry, it doesn't.

Boyfriends are like acrylic nails. When your nails are all unmanicured and regular, you envy your coworker's perfectly manicured french tips. You feel like your life is incomplete without intricately squared off fingertips. Then, you saunter off to visit your nail guy [Lee, in my case. Charming little man], only to spend fifty dollars in half an hour. Anyway, so once you have your acrylics done you are in love with them, and use any excuse to over accessorize with pretty rings and such. Sometimes [and maybe I'm the only crazy person who does this] you do little hand movements in the bathroom mirror like some exotic Polynesian dancer. And when you go out, you make sure to use handrails as much as you can [bacteria shmacteria]. Nothing can stop you with those nails! Then, they start to grow out. [OH, for the interest of all my male readers. I know I might as well be speaking Zulu to you right now, but bare with me. Or go ask a girl about her nails.] Anyhow, so your nails start to grow out, and then they're not so pretty anymore. They start to chip, and hurt and crack [and sometimes you even start to eye those tempting BIOGEL nails]. Then after a few weeks of the discomfort, you rip them off [you could go to Lee, but there's no way in HELL you're spending any more money on those things]. And once the nails come off, you're disappointed. Your real nails underneath are all battered and bruised and look like something Lindsay Lohan regurgitated. In the end, you realize that the acrylics really weren't worth it. You put in too much money and too much time, only to be ruined. SO not worth it.

My nails are actually doing quite nicely. They've pretty much gotten back to normal and look quite fabulous, even if I do say so myself. However, that new girl at work has a pretty nice manicure...

LOVELOVELOVE YOU,
Gouda

P.s I know, I posted twice today. So, sue me. I was kidding. Please don't.